-Socrates
Welcome to the Paragodox.
Directions they Forgot
iPhone
FOR OPTIMAL CONDITIONS: Use in densely populated area. Make sure as many people can see you as possible. To do this, hold the iPhone at eye level roughly a meter away from your face in order to enhance the possibility that people know you have an iPhone. If this does not work, enter conversations which seem to be discussing a problem and offer an application on your iPhone as a solution. If they ask who you are and why you’re talking to them, ignore them. If these solutions do not work, simply stand on the highest surface around and scream “HEY EVERYONE I HAVE A FUCKING iPHONE!”
Snuggie
After opening the Snuggie box, find a person and obtain a stapler or sewing machine. Hand them the stapler and the next page of directions. Do not read these directions, but rather hand them to the other person with the stapler. This is very important, and if you fail to follow this direction carefully you may permanently damage your Snuggie.
(Next Page)
Instruct the owner to put on the Snuggie. Next tell them to close their eyes. If they ask why, tell them it’s a surprise. Find the nearest object which can inflict the greatest amount of blunt force trauma. Use this object to eliminate the mental capacity of the snuggie owner. Next, use the stapler/sewing machine to package the Snuggie owner. Finally, carry the Snuggie package to the nearest dumpster and place it within.
Nissan 350Z/Affliction T-Shirts/Tapout Clothing
FOR MALES: Upon obtaining your product, find the ruler accompanying the merchandise. Measure your erect penis to ensure that it is less than four inches before using the product. Failure to do so will result in a dangerous attack of conscience.
Bluetooth Headset
Upon opening the package, do not forget to obtain your free subscription to “SOURCE” magazine and $25 giftcard to Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Post with 2 notes
Self-Deprecating Rap
Common rap themes:
-Grandiose Narcissism
-Excessive Material Wealth
-Objectification of Women
-Being “Hard”
-Pride towards hometown
I figured, what if I turned these upside down and instead used their contrasts?
-Ridiculously low self-esteem
-Poverty
-Quixotic treatment of women
-Being a wimp
-Hatred of hometown
…and subsequently wrote a rap about it (utilizing the same stylistic tendencies of hyperbole, vulgar language, and rhyme). Here’s what ensues:
“First Date”
by The Paragodox
I approach the lovely lady outside Chili’s Bar and Grill
Hope I don’t destroy this first date, ya feel?
I stammer, Hey there Miss, how do you do?
Would you like me to open that door for you?
Oops I tripped on my way to the handle…
To a paralyzed klutz boy, I hold a candle
Fuckin’ Mademoiselle, shall I pick up the tab?
Here’s twenty dollars, all that I have
I’m so poor I make my dead bro look rich
Damn, I just dissed him, I’m a fuckin’ snitch
I haven’t had a girlfriend in fifteen years
Probably because every date I break down in tears
She asks me “Yo Parago, what’s the matta’?”
I say, “Pardon miss, my heart’s been shatta’d…”
She tells me to grow some muthafuckin’ balls
Water be flowin’ down my face worse than bathroom stalls
I run to da bafroom, take a look in the mirror
Shit, My clothes be lookin’ worse than a baboon’s rear
Runnin’ back to her I find she done left
I stood there and took a goddamn breath
I smiled at the waitress who returned a glare
I reach into my pocket, nothing was there
Couldn’t leave a tip, so I ran up to da fuckin’ fair lady
Gave a fuckin’ kiss on the hand, got hit harder than Tom Brady
I sighed as I walked out and cursed my sociability
As for tomorrow, masturbation in tranquility
Bitch.
