-Socrates
Welcome to the Paragodox.
Directions they Forgot
iPhone
FOR OPTIMAL CONDITIONS: Use in densely populated area. Make sure as many people can see you as possible. To do this, hold the iPhone at eye level roughly a meter away from your face in order to enhance the possibility that people know you have an iPhone. If this does not work, enter conversations which seem to be discussing a problem and offer an application on your iPhone as a solution. If they ask who you are and why you’re talking to them, ignore them. If these solutions do not work, simply stand on the highest surface around and scream “HEY EVERYONE I HAVE A FUCKING iPHONE!”
Snuggie
After opening the Snuggie box, find a person and obtain a stapler or sewing machine. Hand them the stapler and the next page of directions. Do not read these directions, but rather hand them to the other person with the stapler. This is very important, and if you fail to follow this direction carefully you may permanently damage your Snuggie.
(Next Page)
Instruct the owner to put on the Snuggie. Next tell them to close their eyes. If they ask why, tell them it’s a surprise. Find the nearest object which can inflict the greatest amount of blunt force trauma. Use this object to eliminate the mental capacity of the snuggie owner. Next, use the stapler/sewing machine to package the Snuggie owner. Finally, carry the Snuggie package to the nearest dumpster and place it within.
Nissan 350Z/Affliction T-Shirts/Tapout Clothing
FOR MALES: Upon obtaining your product, find the ruler accompanying the merchandise. Measure your erect penis to ensure that it is less than four inches before using the product. Failure to do so will result in a dangerous attack of conscience.
Bluetooth Headset
Upon opening the package, do not forget to obtain your free subscription to “SOURCE” magazine and $25 giftcard to Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Post with 2 notes
Self-Deprecating Rap
Common rap themes:
-Grandiose Narcissism
-Excessive Material Wealth
-Objectification of Women
-Being “Hard”
-Pride towards hometown
I figured, what if I turned these upside down and instead used their contrasts?
-Ridiculously low self-esteem
-Poverty
-Quixotic treatment of women
-Being a wimp
-Hatred of hometown
…and subsequently wrote a rap about it (utilizing the same stylistic tendencies of hyperbole, vulgar language, and rhyme). Here’s what ensues:
“First Date”
by The Paragodox
I approach the lovely lady outside Chili’s Bar and Grill
Hope I don’t destroy this first date, ya feel?
I stammer, Hey there Miss, how do you do?
Would you like me to open that door for you?
Oops I tripped on my way to the handle…
To a paralyzed klutz boy, I hold a candle
Fuckin’ Mademoiselle, shall I pick up the tab?
Here’s twenty dollars, all that I have
I’m so poor I make my dead bro look rich
Damn, I just dissed him, I’m a fuckin’ snitch
I haven’t had a girlfriend in fifteen years
Probably because every date I break down in tears
She asks me “Yo Parago, what’s the matta’?”
I say, “Pardon miss, my heart’s been shatta’d…”
She tells me to grow some muthafuckin’ balls
Water be flowin’ down my face worse than bathroom stalls
I run to da bafroom, take a look in the mirror
Shit, My clothes be lookin’ worse than a baboon’s rear
Runnin’ back to her I find she done left
I stood there and took a goddamn breath
I smiled at the waitress who returned a glare
I reach into my pocket, nothing was there
Couldn’t leave a tip, so I ran up to da fuckin’ fair lady
Gave a fuckin’ kiss on the hand, got hit harder than Tom Brady
I sighed as I walked out and cursed my sociability
As for tomorrow, masturbation in tranquility
Bitch.
Post with 5 notes
Love
- I used to believe in love.
- I used to believe that the one you loved was someone you shared a soul with. Someone you knew felt exactly as you felt. Someone who took you as you were, no matter what. I used to believe that there really was only one person for everyone, and that you had to go through a lot before finding them. This included pain and failure. In the end, living in this desolate and random world would all be worth it because you had the ONE and ONLY person who was made for you, who defined your existence…the one person you lived for, and the person who lived for you. Love was really the only thing worth living for. Nothing mattered without love.
- But…like anything worth having in this world, love is impossible. The prospect of finding someone who mirrors your desires and fulfills your needs in every way possible is hopeless. Literally. You will inevitably find fault with anyone you end up with and you will then fall into justifying why you deal with certain less desirable aspects of who they are. The intellectual, hilarious girl is actually a psycho pathological liar with low self esteem. The calm, collected, dependable girl provides TOO MUCH predictability and thus leads you to become bored. The pursuit of love is what I believe to be a man-made time waster, spicing up the now predictable process of human life.
- But that’s just it, isn’t it? The only people who know what love is are those who have felt it. Love is not defined. You can only know it and not describe its feeling. The old couple married for 50 years looking into each other’s eyes feels it. But they can’t explain it. One can only imagine what love feels like until one’s experienced it. Adults these days seem to fall into two categories: Those who fake their love and those who gave up on it a long time ago. But there are those rare exceptions of people who seem to really be happy together.In this human world which prides itself on cold calculation and what can be known…love is paradoxically the source of the truest form of happiness for many: It has no price…It can’t be measured…There is no formula to attain it…You can’t learn it…You probably don’t get any better at it with practice…It just “is.” And for many, that idea is a bit daunting. We humans want answers. If you can’t get it easily, fuck it. It isn’t worth it and doesn’t exist.
- Perhaps though, this is why love is so powerful. It violates our very human instincts and ensnares us in a way that cannot be explained. It’s neurological process can be described, to be sure, but never explained. It is a great mystery.The pursuit of love validates life, even if you never attain it. To neglect the process of love is to neglect being human, I’ve come to find.
- I guess I better start believing in love again.
Post with 1 note
Time
- Imagine that, somehow, the rate at which we experienced life was not one second per second. Imagine how much more insight we would gain into the world and our nature as human beings if life really were experienced like it is in time lapse videos. This yields a great deal of insight into how short-sighted we are in general. Please allow me to explain.
- If you look at the organization of the universe from things as vast as the cosmos to things as distinct as an atom, you notice a certain microcosmic quality. The atom has a nucleus around which electrons orbit in a seemingly unpredictable way. The universe has numerous galaxies which operate similarly, although a “center” might not be identifiable given our limitations to observe it. How can these ideas apply to humans?
- The problem is one of scale in addition to one of time. Human psychology gives us an unbelievably grandiose sense of importance relative to just about everything around us. Thus we view our scope as THE scope…THE center…THE standard. Imagine, though, that instead of the literal center of the universe, we were, say, maybe a few cosmic feet to the left? Our importance dissolves a bit, and we are put into the wider context of the entire universe and how we relate to its overall functioning.
- Speed up the process of life a bit, say ten years per second. Examine the life of one individual. We are forced to neglect the trivialities of taking a shower on a Friday night, breaking up with a girlfriend, or looking at a watch to avert eye contact with a minor acquaintance in an empty hallway. Instead we are left with basics. Birth. Growth. Motion. Location. Directionality. Relation. Physical Appearance. Death. Decomposition. An entire life full of sadness, happiness, frustration, and contemplation would become a streaking blur of movement consisting of largely external character. The emotional, internal, “human” side of life is entirely removed. One can not help but wonder, due to our finite mental capacity and biologically endowed perception of time, exactly how much we are missing about the way things are.
- Do electrons get pissed at each other for flirting with an outsider in the D orbital? Do spiral galaxies talk about how shitty things are in their neck of the woods and start grassroot movements to accuse the elliptical galaxies of these circumstantial deficiencies? Before you ask, I am not going insane, I am simply contemplating the void of perspective that we humans have about the rest of the universe in relation to deeper, more intrinsic aspects of things we really only understand at a functional and external level. This appears to be due to our perceptual abilities, our biological limitations.
- We have made attempts to understand life at a speed other than “one second per second,” to be sure. Evolution is an elegant and altogether brilliant example of this. It appears, however, that we still fail to decontextualize ourselves from the here and now. Conservatives bitching about mandatory health care forget that the idea of “heatlh care” period came about a cosmic instant ago and that their lives represent an infinitesimally minute fraction of a fraction of a nanosecond in the Universe. Seems rather petty.
- I don’t really know why I felt like writing this. I suppose I wanted to flesh out my own thoughts regarding the egocentric nature of humanity in the universe as related to our finite mental and perceptual abilities. A facebook note at 4:30 AM seemed a great way to do so.
- Conclusively, I’m not crazy. I studied a lot tonight. I drank a Moutain Dew.
- I wonder if electrons like mountain dew.
